This is part one of the three stages “To forgive or not to forgive”.
Step 1 Before we can forgive; finding safety and security.
Step 2 The art of forgiving yourself; Healing and self care.
Step 3 To forgive or not to forgive, pick one and mourn the loss of the other.
Seek Safety
Forgiveness is courageous. We do not need to forgive others for their acts of kindness, compassion, generosity, or playfulness because forgiveness implies a trauma, or harm of some kind. Forgiveness is not easy, because it entails revisiting that harm. The greater the harm the greater the courage required for forgiveness.
Before this courageous journey of forgiveness can begin, we must find our way through the harm. If you find yourself sitting on a hot stove, the wisest course of action is not forgiving the stove, but turning off the heat or getting off the stove. After the fact, as burns heal, we can forgive the stove for the harm it has caused us and maybe even come to a realization of the stove’s nature. It is the stove’s nature to get hot, and it is my nature to be burned when I come in contact with it.
It is often those who have power over us.
Sadly, it is often those closest to us that burn us the most. The “stoves” in our lives often take the form of family members, partners, bosses or coworkers, and friends. Sadly, we do not live in a world where abusive relationships can always be left. We feel this every time an employer treats us in an abusive way, but we must tolerate the behaviour because, well, we need the money. Children of abusive parents feel this same trap. They are stuck on the stove, often with the heat being turned on and off repeatedly.
When a relationship causes us harm, it is important to protect ourselves first and foremost. This can be in the form of boundary-setting or simply walking away. We can remove, or reduce, harm through boundaries by only spending time with a friend when they are sober because their drinking hurts us, for instance. Sometimes, we might decide that the harm of a relationship will no longer be tolerated and we are in a position to walk away. We get off the stove.
No matter our scenario, when others hurt us, our first priority should always be finding a way to safety and security. It is from that place of safety that healing can begin and maybe, if we allow it, forgiveness will find its way into our mind and heart.
Please read:
Step 2 The art of forgiving yourself; Healing and self care.