This is part two of the three stages “To forgive or not to forgive”.
Please read Step 1 first
Step 1 Before we can forgive; finding safety and security.
Step 2 The art of forgiving yourself; Healing and self care.
Step 3 To forgive or not to forgive, pick one and mourn the loss of the other.
How to Heal.
As discussed in part one, the first step to forgiveness is finding some space from the harm or finding safety & security. This can be in the form of boundaries or complete isolation from the source of the pain. It is only once safety is established that the rest of the journey towards forgiveness can unfold.
There are numerous pathways to healing, but they can be divided into two general areas: introverted and extroverted. There is merit in both of these approaches, and most healing journeys will require a combination of the two.
The Introverted Path.
Introverted paths to healing and self-care include meditation, journaling, reading self-help books, listening to relaxing music, and even simple acts like maintaining personal hygiene and cleaning the house. In all of these approaches, the spotlight of attention is turned inwards, allowing you to see where you have been hurt and where your work needs to be done. These introverted paths require the courage to be with yourself in the present, with all the baggage you bring, and if you practice any of these paths, you should commend yourself for your courageousness.
The Extroverted Path.
Extroverted paths to healing, on the other hand, involve those experiences that are outside the individual and greater than the small self. Some extroverted paths could be seeing a counselor individually or attending group sessions, joining online communities, gardening, or volunteering. If someone has harmed you, these forms of healing are especially important because they help to rebuild trust in others and the world around you. Again, these approaches require a degree of courage, and that is worth noting and celebrating.
Forgiving yourself.
It is vital at this stage of forgiveness to approach yourself and your past harm with a sense of compassion. If you find yourself beating yourself up for what you could have said or done in the situation, you are only continuing the harm that has been done to you. Whenever you notice this tendency to blame and judge yourself, gently remind yourself of your intention to forgive yourself, make peace with your past and not continue the suffering. Do not be a bully to yourself.
There is no fixed timeline for this second stage of forgiveness. It depends on the harm done, the individual, and external factors like family and work life. For some, this stage could last a week, while for others, they could spend decades in this stage. There is no “right” amount of time to process and heal from the past. Be patient with yourself at this stage and respect your own unique timeline towards your healing and ultimately, forgiveness.
Please read:
Step 3 To forgive or not The Third Step.